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| YO XANGA.
I haven't done this in sooooo long. Intense....My life is a lot faster than it used to be.....
I turned 21 last Saturday. Lost my vcard on new years.....went to my first gay bar (Spin) last Wednesday and got my ass felt up by a hot dude within the first ten minutes....but wait.....lol.....it was really funny. I met a girl named Brittany there who was in my creative writing class and we were both like... "I FUCKING KNEW YOU WERE GAY."
I really have been very happy lately, and it's genuinely entirely because of Max. It's weird, I have no desire to ever go out unless it's with him. It's because of: A) I don't like going out with people I'm not really close to. B) I'm shy. C) I hate people. He's really just an amazing human being. I kick myself every day for having stopped talking to him for so long....but I also sometimes feel like our friendship wouldn't be this strong had I not...We don't mesh as a couple, but in terms of being my best friend, it's safe to say that I am completely obsessed with him and would probably jump off a bridge for him....and Kylie Minogue.
Those are my two obsessions right now. Sometimes I feel like Kylie is starting to overtake Madonna....but then I remember that that's stupid. Madonna and Kylie are equals in my mind....so is Bjork. I have a weird pop music trinity that I am borderline religious about, but as far as my most played artists on my phone...it's Kylie by FAR.
Toogaytofunction Favorite Kylie Things:
1. "I'm careful with my heart. I'm a fussy girl and love's an art."
2. Body Language (The whole album. Slow, Chocolate and You Make Me Feel in particular)
3. The Get Outta My Way music video. She is eternally flawless.
4. The Showgirl Homecoming Tour. Particularly the pink glitter showgirl costume she wears when she flawlessly performs On A Night Like This, White Diamond and In Your Eyes. Her finale of Love At First Sight gives me goosebumps every time.
5. The WOW EP. "It's fireworks, fantastic. It tears you apart, but it's magic. It's a first kiss, the last dance. Pulls me in every time..."
6. Turn It Into Love. I almost cried when I first heard that song. "Just turn it into love and you'll never feel ashamed."
7. Falling. I swear there is no better example of perfect 90's house/lounge. "All the hurt can be healed."
8. She is THE B-side queen. Go Hard Or Go Home is my anthem (Besides Spinning Around).
"Boy don't you know that I'm the hottest in here?
Get in gear before I disappear with my girls.
You gotta go hard or go home,
cause if you get a girl like me all alone,
you better take advantage of the moment.
Boy you better own it."
9. The way she kills that opera riff in Your Disco Needs You every. fucking. time.
10. Last but certainly not least, Kylie Minogue's ultimate contribution to pop perfection: Fever. There has never been a more flawless, coherent, unified and well performed disco album.
All I used to do in my spare time is smoke a bowl and watch Kylie videos on youtube. She is fascinatingly and amazingly perfect, and I can sit and talk about her for hours.
Anyway....My 21st was not what I always dreamed of...but my birthdays always seem to turn out that way. I got extremely sick that week and was very frumpy the day of my birthday as a result. I almost didn't go out at all, but I think I was more excited to turn 21 than for my actual birthday, anyway. I karaoked Believe by Cher last night, and the whole bar went crazy.
I recreated my facebook a while ago. I'm at 130 friends, and a very tolerable portion of them are from high school!
Boyfriends: That old topic that plagues my years of posting on xanga and tormented my adolescence. I don't have a boyfriend, but here's the awesome thing: I don't care anymore. Of course I want one, but I'm not stupid about it anymore. I still love to live in the fantasy of having a beautiful relationship with someone (HELLO, ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS 4EVER), but I understand that it's not going to come without time, patience and a build up. I am, however, careful with my heart. I'm a fussy and girl and love's an art. I'm much more open to building relationships with other gays I meet (through Max, of course), and the anxiety I used to have about talking to other gays has been safely eradicated. I have my crushes, but they don't consume me anymore. In the words of Kylie in Where Has The Love Gone: "I am a woman and I've got my vanity."
Speaking of vanity, I've honestly become quite the Carrie Bradshaw narcissist, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be vain than depressed. I'm an extremely good-looking 21 year old gay man living and going to school in the city, and frankly, you have to be at least a little vain in order to survive out here. I'm so, incredibly happy that I chose to go to UIC. I've genuinely fallen in love with my English major, and I'm learning things that I find extremely interesting and valuable to my identity. My minor is Art History.
I work out 7 days a week, now. Three days lifting, four days cardio. I still have a long way to go, but I've become very proud of my body, and my eating habits reflect that. I have a really strict diet, and eople think I'm anorexic, but that's only because I eat eggs, yougurt, vegetables and meat, and when you're offering me pizza, I'm going to say no unless I'm drunk (I let myself drink).
Problems I've been encountering:
When Max introduces me to a gay friend (let's clarify: most of Max's friends are more acquaintances than friends. This means he may not know them extremely well, so I typically try to be very observant, just in case of sketchiness) of his, they often become attracted to me. Part of the reason I like to joke that Max and I are d8ing is so I can run to him if I ever feel uncomfortable, and he always seems to be there for me, which is really, really great. For example, one friend of his is obnoxiously aggressive. He's nice, but when you grab my crotch, I'm going to become distant. I'm not attracted to him and he still persists. Another friend of his, I think...has a legitimate crush on me, but I keep hearing stories about how fucked up he is, so I'm definitely going to make sure I never end up alone with him. It sucks though, because he really is very attractive, but I unfortunately tend more to think with my head than my dick. We rarely see each other, so that's a plus....another friend of his, I met on the internet....that was just like....lol....but also embarrassing. #desperate.
I'll finish this blog later. I'm going to bed.
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| Hello, there! Welcome to Chicago! Please leave your integrity at the gate. Our residents are perfectly devoid of humanity, so be sure to enjoy your assimilation! And remember, empathy is not allowed!
With Love,
The Hive. | | |
| I am dangerously close to freezing to death.
My body feels like a tomb. My thoughts run rampant, yet I feel consumed by nothingness.
To overcome coldness is to be it's slave. It hurts all the time.
It's been a long time since I felt like this. It's like saying hello to an old friend. I'll never have the opportunity to burn.
I'm trapped. This is my identity. | | |
| I haven't blogged in a while. I've just been really busy lately. I work 40 hours a week this summer, and it's really been taking a toll on my energy level. I've been working out 6 days a week since spring break, and I feel awesome.
......this blog feels forced......
It's probably because I don't really have much to bitch about. Episodic Updates, then:
My new favorite food is Greek yogurt. I'm reading The Brothers Karamazov and I think I'm falling in love with Russian literature. I got straight A's last semester. I've been feeling really insecure about my friendship with Jenna lately. I've fallen in love with Bjork and Janelle Monae. I've been feeling much more confident about my body and the way I look lately, but I still have a ways to go (perfectionist. Won't stop until I have a glorious six pack). I've been posting these theoretical blogs on tumblr that I'm actually really happy with so far. I'm actually getting really, really good at working out: I weigh 157, and I bench 165 and squat 225 (both 3x8). I'm planning to go on a cut once school starts (it's easier to eat less when no one is buying food for you). Hopefully by the time I turn 21 I'll be close to where I want to be. I hung out with Miya the other day and it was actually really awesome. We saw Winnie the Pooh, I played her some Bjork, we went to target and talked about everything for hours. I want to get a pet bird and name him Ivan. I bought a 300 dollar pair of Etymotic earphones for 200 and I'm really excited about them (they're in the mail right now). I smoked weed once this whole summer. I've drank three times this whole summer (sober summer!). My job is as a custodian at East Aurora, and I've made friends with some awesome people (Jamario, Rachel, Tonya, Brenham), and have become acquainted with some less awesome people (Joann, George, etc.). They don't know I'm gay, just because some of the less awesome people make me feel uncomfortable, and I want to be relaxed at work. Working out so much at the gym has caused a surprising friendship with Jessica Popp and has strengthened my friendship with Bryanna. I've read five books so far this summer (Amerika, The Great Gatsby, Lolita, The Journey to the West, The Sound and the Fury), and I'm currently reading The Brothers Karamazov and listening to (I got audible on my android, so I listen to that during work) The Rest Is Noise (I've always felt guilty that I don't know enough about music/music history). I've also been listening to these awesome storytelling podcasts (The Moth, Story Worthy). I'd really like to go to a storytelling show one day, because some of the stories are really moving and I would love to see some of them live when I turn 21. I can't wait for school to start (partly so I can quit this tiresome job). I have a facebook again with 20 friends, and honestly, I feel like I could delete a couple of them...None of my profile pictures are of me. They're all funny little quips or pictures of famous drag queens.
End. Time for bed.
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| Wow....I used to be friends with some pretty shitty people...
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